I have this thing about clowns. Psychologists call it coulrophobia, friends might call it "paranoia", and I call it "clowns freaking terrify me WHYGODWHY keep it away." When I was really young, I had a little terrycloth doll that I called my "Clown Baby". I even went on The Bozo Show as a kid and was a contestant; I actually really liked clowns.

And then, something changed. As I grew older, I realized: clowns are horrifying creatures. I don't understand the rest of you, but I don't find a grown man or woman dressed in a kaleidoscope of polka dots and ruffles, wearing ghost-white makeup and a blood-red rictus smile, to be funny at all. I find it nightmare-inducing and cold-sweat-giving.

How does this relate to fantasy football? As always, my rambles do have a point: some of you out there may be looking to start some big names in your lineups this week, players that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you think about them. For me, though, some of those same players are making me shake in my boots. There are some hidden clowns in your lineups, friends, and I am here to suss them out with you. No balloon animal will go unturned, and no absurdly-large shoe will be undisturbed in our quest to save your lineups from these red nose-wearing menaces.

Which players should you send packing in a clown car this week?