Ah, the QB. They date the cheerleaders, they do the music videos, they host SNL. They're like Zack Morrises of their teams, leaving lineman to take on the unenviable roles of the 300 pound versions of Screech.

The blessing and curse of QBs is simple: you get a winner and you're in the driver seat. You pick a loser and you've got the same chances of finding the playoffs that the Marlins have of ever selling out their stadium.

So come with us won't you as we get real mathy in your grill, trying to find the 5 QBs you have to avoid, lest you want to end up the Raiders of your league.

Russell Wilson

I want to like Joe Flacco's contract is the worst ones in history:

So, what do we see? Well, for one, Joe Flacco's raw efficiency has never been a top 10 quarterback in this league. Not only that, he got this massive contract after having his weakest regular season since he was a rookie. Just for entertainment purposes, let's look at who was ahead of Joe in 2012. Carson Palmer, #11. Sam Bradford, #14. Christian Ponder, #15. Yikes.

He was never a legit fantasy QB, so let me pull a Kanye and stop you right there. He's not worth his contract, he's missing the veteran route-running glue of Anquan Boldin and his underrated TE Dennis Pitta, he had one of the luckiest, flukiest playoff stretches in recent memory from any sport, and if you draft him to be anything other than your fantasy clipboard holder, you're in for a world of hurt.

What we think: #18 QB

Michael Vick

And speaking of hype, I think it's fair to say that the Michael Vick hype has reached Shane Vereen proportions. Remember when it was in question whether or not he'd even be allowed to play again?

Canine transgressions aside, the metrics don't point to Michael Vick becoming fantasy relevant ever again: after all, his closest statistical comparable is Alex Smith. To make matters worse, it's not even late-career-maybe-he's-not bad Alex Smith, it's 2006 oh-crap-what-have-we-done Alex Smith.

LeSean McCoy is as legit as they come - and in fact, we have him #3 overall, much higher than most - but Jeremy Maclin being out doesn't help and 2009 DeSean Jackson isn't walking through the door. With his Methusaleh-esque age, one tough hit will make Mike watch the games on a hospital TV, and let me also remind you that this is a QB who was outplayed by Nick "Arena League" Foles most of last year. Take him as a deep flier with some admitted upside but that's about it.

What we think: #20 QB

Ryan Tannehill

A lot of people are touting Ryan Tannehill as a deep sleeper, pointing to the addition of Mike Wallace and the emergence of Lamar Miller of a credible run threat as pillars of this belief. Let me summarize my response to them in one word.

What?

This one is so ridiculous, I almost don't even want to dig into the math on it. Let's start with Mike Wallace. We can all agree that he's best as a deep threat, except that Tannehill connects on just 33% of his deep passes (15+ yards), one of the worst figures in the league. Oh, also, he's a locker room cancer who tries only when he wants to and when things are going well, which they certainly haven't been as of late in Miami. Sounds like a recipe for success to me!

And then there's our man Lamar Miller: he's unproven and boasts a worse run efficiency metric than his backup, Daniel Thomas. If Tannehill strugged last year with the much more effective Reggie Bush in the backfield - not to mention Bush's infinitely more prodigious skills in the passing game - how well do you think a slower, less efficient, less seasoned Miller will do? Yeah. Don't even draft him. Not as a flier, not as a sleeper. He's below replacement level. He's not a sleeper, he's dead on arrival.

What we think: #25 QB