Miguel Cabrera is Not Human

If you haven’t been living unconscious under a rock in the middle of space for the past year and a half, you probably know that Miguel Cabrera is not an actual human being. Remember those Albert Pujols "I-Am-Not-A-Machine" commercials? Yeah, those were little Miggy C. in disguise just messing with people.

In the month of May, Cabrera has a higher OPS (1.383) than Robinson Canoand Jacoby Ellsbury combined (1.306). In his last four games, Cabrera has SIX homeruns and 13 RBIs!

The question now becomes: why is he so good? Well, ladies and gents, you have come to the right place.

Power to All Fields

Miguel Cabrera ain’t your granddaddy’s dead-pull power hitter. This season, 59.7 percent of his hits have gone back up the middle or to right field. That number increases to 67.9 percent when you look just at extra base hits. Chris Davis is also excelling in this category with 56.7 percent of his extra base hits going up the middle or the other way.

However, if you narrow that to just going to the opposite field, 28.6 percent of Cabrera’s extra base hits have gone there compared to 16.7 percent for Davis. How do you pitch to that? You have three options: A) Don’t (even though teams have only given him the intentional pass five times this season), B) Put it in the dirt (except then you run the risk he might Vlad Guerrero it), or C) DUCK AND COVERRR!!!!.

Two-Strike Hitting

Let’s go inside the mind of Little Timmy. Little Timmy is making his big league debut and facing Miguel Cabrera, and he has gotten ahead of him 0-2.

“Oh, boy! I’m good at this! Ma, watch me toss this slide-piece right past him!”

Crack.

Little Timmy is sent back to AAA and spends the rest of his life distributing paint samples at Home Depot. Poor Little Timmy. He didn’t know that Cabrera has a stupid-good .849 OPS with two strikes against him this year. That would be 37th among all players, higher than the total OPS of Dustin Pedroia, Edwin Encarnacion, Adrian Gonzalez, and Matt Holliday.

Clutch Hitting

Admittedly, this does nothing to explain why Cabrera is a great hitter. I just made the mistake of looking at his clutch stats and immediately burst into laughter. They’re that good.

With runners in scoring position this season, Cabrera is hitting .525/.603/.932 for a 1.535 OPS with seven home runs and 44 RBIs. If you narrow that to two outs, he gets even better. He becomes a .591/.679/1.136 hitter with a 1.815 OPS and 20 RBIs. Dude is putting up beer-league softball stats. Granted, some of his divisional pitching foes (sorry, Minnesota) may be better suited for beer league softball at this point.

In all honesty, Miggy Pop may be one of the best hitters we have ever seen. His top five comparables (Frank Robinson, Hank Aaron, Ken Griffey, Jr., Albert Pujols and Mel Ott) are all either in the Hall of Fame or will be there eventually. As for that “Little Timmy” scenario… he’s facing Sam Deduno tonight, who just got called up from AAA. If you’re going to the game tonight/within 300 miles of the left field wall, take shelter immediately.